Category: the Rant Board
Hello everyone,
Last year when I attended New Jersey's state center, JKRC, they have this activity every morning called Group Talk, where we all sat around and talk with a guy for an hour or so about blind issues. He was a professional cycke, but still. He said that out of all of the totally blind people, most are not sheltered. He gave a high statistic that suggested that most blind people were not, and I have to wonder where he got that statistic from.
That being said, I'd love to get out of New Jersey. My mom thinks this is the best state for blind people. Possibly, but not South Jersey. Since we live in a small town, Lumberton, there are no such things as buses, trains and or any form of transport where I can get around on my own. Yes, Access link does come here, but my mom won't let me use it. Sure, she'll let me use it to get to school, but I personally wanted to use it to go meet friends in North Jersey, where most of the blind NJ population resides. I decided that even if my mom were to let me use it I probably wouldn't do it since it'd cost me $40 altogether just on the way there and back home, which is a freakin' rip off. That said, it'd be awesome if I can get a life some day, not just spending my hours online. While I've heard several times my mom say she wants the best for me, other times I overhear her and know that she's holding back information. Once she told one of my ants over the phone that I can't manage my finances, I can't do this, I can't do that. I forgot most of it other than the finances part, but she added, "I know he's capable but..." and they started discussing another topic I believe, probably fearing I heard her. Still, if she thinks I can't do adult things in life, I don't know what she wants to see from me. She's helping me go to college, but I don't know what that'll do for work. I guess I work and she manages all my finances and i have to trust her? She has yet to give me my bank account information so I can login and check my balance, among other things. I believe the commotion also told her to sign forms to make ma a guardian of me or something. I don't know what this will do, but it sure as fuck doesn't sound good. My mom already has enough fucking control of my life as it is. She doesn't need more IMO.
It's quite sad. When you're brought up sheltered, not even your family understands blind people and their disability. I have another friend like this as well, and they tell us the reason why they didn't or sometimes still don't let us do things for ourselves is because "It's just easier." I can't say I agree with this. The thing I hate now is that being 20, it takes me a while to do simple tasks. I fold clothes differently than I should because I never knew the proper way to do it. Out of everything I did it JKRC, Daily Living skills was the ultimate shittyist, with the mobility training I got there I'd say better than what I got in school. Cooking was also a high priority, but since I struggle with most daily living skills, those transferred over to cooking and hampered my progress in the Kitchen.
I'm just curious why the commition has that guardian thing for parents. Don't they have enough control? Also, I have to wonder why my parents still have to pay child support. I'm 20, not 17. I guess out of all these negatives of me being sheltered and all, a positive is that I wasn't sent to a blind school. Now maybe there'd be advantages to being sent to a blind school. If I was, I'd probably do better in Math than I am now. I guess the thing keeping me going and not making me horribly depress is that my mom is actually a grand or so to help me go to college. So I doubt she would pay out of her pocket just to make herself feel good, given the fact that for some reason I don't get financial aide. I wonder if my mom even knows that there are other blind people living lives with families. That's another thing, she's worried about me dating someone. I can see a few problems myself, but I think she thinks that I'd be incapable of having a GF, Wife, take care of a kid, etc. I think I'm thinking way ahead of myself here, but most friends and family are getting married etc in their early-mid twenties and I'm still sitting here online frozen in time.
I'm sure there are people who like this lifestyle. I don't, and honestly if I could I'd either move to North Jersey or NYC. If not NYC than in New York then. I just hate whenever I try to do something, my mom always butts in, saying she'll help me, and then whenever I do get to do it myself I end up struggling like hell and snap in anger and we're back at square one again. I go back to my computer and I'm happy for a while, but then the desire to do something else with my life comes back. Don't get me wrong I love computers, but I'd hate to leech off the government my entire life and not really do much while my family lives prosperous.
Thanks for reading everyone. I'm just sick of my mom being in control of everything. Her and my grandmother. I don't really know how to prove to them that I can in fact lead a good life, but I don't have anything to stand on at this point. I'm willing to try if someone is willing to help me learn, and I'm not getting that from a control freak of a mom, who I suspect wants me to go through college, graduate, work so I feel good but manage all the finances and stay home, never move out.
Later all. Probably running out of room.
When I was 21, I was still living with my mother. One day, she didn't like how I had cooked something, and she spouted off about how most mothers of handicapped chilcren would not allow their children to cook. That's when I finally snapped. I told her that, though I would always be her son, I was no longer a child. And that's when I knew I had to start working on getting out. The town was very small. No busses and only one taxi.
I did go to a school for the blind, so my daily living skills were pretty well up to par. I ended up getting an apartment in Nashville Tennessee, and have been here ever since. And even now that I'm 40, my mother still tries to control me, at times. sometimes, a gentle reminder works. At other times, I have to be a bit firmer. Cigarette smoke bothers me, and out of all the people I know, Mom is the only one who will try to smoke in my home. I have to remind her that when I was in her home, I had to abide by her rules, and now that she's visiting mine, she can please return the favor.
i understand how that can be, i finally broke away from my family about a year ago and haven't looked back. mom tried to control things but it refused her the ability, even to the point i got my own cell phone on my own contract so she couldn't control it. Now that i've been out for a year she's seeing that i do in fact know som of what needs to be done so she's backed off
Your mother isn't doing you any favors by controlling you, being frozen in time can really happen, and you will grow to resent your mother more than you already seem to. She really needs to start letting you do things on your own, helping you is one thing, but controlling and making all the descisions will only end up crippling you. What will happen when your mother is no longer around? You will end up being at other peoples mercy, and that's no way to live. If your mother really wants the best for you, she will let you develope the skills to live on your own and take care of yourself. Maybe if you could find a way to convince her this is really what's best for you.
I feel ya! can not say I wore the same exact shoes of yours but some of what I had to prove your having to do it too. develish anthany has a point, sometimes you have to remove yourself from a situation that will never change. Its it scarey "hyell ya" but your thank yourself in the in later. Can we as blind people have "gf's, wives", yappers! I am married, work and hope to go back to college this spring soon. So in the in, try to educate your mom and grandmother but if nothing works have a plain B.
The key is having a no nonsense attitude. So far, your mother has gotten away with doing things for you, and so even now that you're twenty, she still thinks it's okay to do things for you like you're a little boy. You have to be stubborn and require that she shows you the proper way to do something rather than doing things for you because it's easier, quicker, or whatever.
I grew up in a house where one parent would gladly show me how to do anything, while the other (my mother) didn't think I could do a damned thing. When I was ten or eleven, I took control and I would make a big fuss if any of my family members even attempted to help me with something I could do myself. I had a show-me-or-let-me-figure-it-out attitude, and if my mother didn't like it,n argument would break out. I refused to let anyone rob me of my independence. You will benefit from taking on a similar attitude. Sometimes, in oreder to figure out how things are done, such as folding clothes, why don't you look at the clothes while they are folded. This might help you; it helped me. Also, you have to be stubborn and insist that people show you how to do simple tasks, cleaning, folding and washing clothes, and anything else you think is possible for you to do.
As far as finances go, I can't imagine how your mother has your account information and you don't. No matter, either way you need to get a hold of it.
Don't be afraid to ask, demand, insist, or even argue. It's how you will gain your independence.
You need to explain to your mother that the main reason you don't know how to do any of the things she thinks you can't is because she's hindering you by always helping you. She needs to understand that you have to make mistakes to learn, and that if you do make a mistake, she must show you how to do things properly instead of just doing them for you. Yes, I understand this might befrustrating, because some people don't have the patience to do this, and those same people are impulsive and do not stop to think about how something is done before they do it, which makes it difficult to teach and be taught.
have to be careful that you don't come acrossed as the stuckup type though or too demanding because some people will just kick you out or push you away if you act like that.
To be fair to the guy at JKRC, it is difficult to compile accurate stastics on the amount of sheltered blind people. If they're sheltered, they probably aren't as accessible to people who want to gather data on the subject as blind people who aren't sheltered.
A disadvantage of being sheltered is that you don't get to travel independently, and you aren't free to go where ever you want to go. Consequently, there are few opportunities for sheltered people to speak out about their experiences of being sheltered or break free.
It may seem calous but I'd almost be tempted to tell my mom, were I in your position, to ask herself that question. What happens to her child once she's no longer around? I've raised that same issue with other blind people who were in similar situations, though by their own choice. THose people's reaction was usually don't say things like that! Ad your mom might react the same way but the question does beg asking. I'll be the first to admit that I'm nowhere close to perfect as far as living skills go (I hate housework and nor am I particularly good at it), but at least I make an effort. But these sheltering parents of blind kids really need to ask themselves what's going to happen to their children once they themselves are no longer on this earth. Particularly if they, that being the parents, don't allow their children to learn the skills they need. Unless of course they think "the best," which is what every good parent wants for their child, is indeed being at the mercy of others for every little thing in life. Maybe they figure some blindness organization will magically get wind of the kid (whether or not they are in fact still a child), and take him/her under its wings for protection. And in that school of thought there's probably no point in the parent trying to teach the child living skills or allowing them to try since they'll be saved later. As we all know of course, this school of thought, whether or not it actually exists, is utter bull.
I couldn't agree more with Sword of Sapphire. You can't just make it known that you don't like it. You need to make it known that you won't put up with it, period. If she can't meet your needs, then you will go somewhere else to have them met. I would plan it very carefully. make sure you have Plan A, Plan B, and preferrably a Plan C before you leave the house. After all, you wouldn't want to leave, fail, and end up back on Mommy's doorstep again, because you'd only be, in her mind, proving her point that you should not be let out on your own. Of course, everyone has to crash and burn at some point, at least to some extent. that's how most of us end up learning how the real world works, but of course, she wouldn't see it that way. so either way, you need to plan it so that no matter what happens, no matter how badly you may end up, you will never have to go back to your parents' house once you leave. Yes, that sounds bad, and sure, she'll probably be very upset, if not angry, for a long time, but the only way she will ever understand you can survive on your own is to see it in action.
By the way, I just wanted to point out that when I first saw this topic, I was thinking it was going to be yet another pissy rant about all the "fucking blinks" who don't ever do anything. I was very glad to find out that was not the case. Part of the reason so many of us are still sheltered is because so many others have this piss poor aditude of the blinks who live with Mommy and Daddy, and who are perfectly content to leach off the government. Yes, unfortunately there are a few like that, but more often than not, sheltered blind people are honestly not happy living under their parents' roof and collecting government cheques every month. They just don't know how to break free. However, beating someone down is never going to help them get back up. In any case, good luck with your progress, and don't let anyone, blind or otherwise, tell you you can't be successful.
I'm just thankful my parents weren't like that. DId they selter me? Somewhat perhaps, but at least they allowed me to make mistakes and learn from them. And while I'm not yet successfully employed and earning my own money I'm working on getting there. Am I having help? Certainly, and yes my folks have been providing some of it (mainly suggestions about new places to look into). I just don't understand how a blind person could actually WANT! to live under their parents roof and leach off the government. Granted a part of me does feel that the government owes me considering it was the negligence of an army doctor that resulted in my being born prematurely and, by extention, my blindness as well, but A. the records of my birth were conveniently destroyed in either a flood or a fire (and nor was mine the only case I'd heard of where that happened), and B. Even if those records had survived I don't want to be like every other sue-happy American, even if my reasons for suing might be more justified than most people.
Well it is true that most blind people are not sheltered though we see many who are. This is do to the following:
1. Parents are unaware of the potential of the blind person.
2. Lack of self-immage or confidence on the point of the blind person in question. Taking number 2 into account, I have a story.
For many years I just lacked the confidence to do much on my own. Oh, I did things, sure I did but not much. One day I sat down and thought to myself, "I have things I know how to do so I should be doing them." This was after I went to bism(blind industries and survices of Mariland.)
I met many blind people far less fortunate than me and it motivated me to push forth with my life.
Now I am working, I get out alot, and am generally happier.
Here what you're dealing with.
First off, as you mentioned, you were at a state-run public institution. Consequently, many of the people you would find in a public institution would also probably be sheltered, e.g. they are in a public institution.
Second, I imagine the shrink is probably right: sheltered people are food for predators, unfit for survival and otherwise impractical / uncommon. That's not just sheltered blind people: that's sheltered religious people or any other group foundering ... I mean found, ... in their own bubbles someplace.
Third, to those who have resisted, one could say you aren't sheltered: you have made a go of it.
But I have a serious problem with people a. claiming many blind are sheltered, and then b. citing public institutions as a rational location to gather statistical data. To me, this is no different than the skinheads of my youth claiming all blacks were criminals, because if you go to the prisons, you see a lot of black people in prison. Well, duh, it's a prison, that is where you find thieves, rapists, etc. People who complain about the behaviors of blind people in these institutions perhaps should do like the rest of us and not go to those places. Or, if you do need to go there, go, get 'er done, and leave.
My family has been very poor on occasion, and we had to get food from the local food bank at least once or twice during the early years. When you show up there, there's some real winners for ya: people smell bad, they're lifelong alcoholics living on the street, etc. I would have been silly to walk into there, get all incensed that a majority of people going to those types of places appear and smell that way, and then go onto a forum someplace and claim all people must look and smell that way because I saw it in a food bank someplace.
I know: It's tough enough to have to brace yourself, swallow your pride, and go to any sort of public place like that to get assistance, be it a food bank or a blind agency. But just because you went there doesn't mean somehow that their 'bum germs' rubbed off on you: that is juvenile rumor.
If there is anything I've learned now going online and seeing the likes of other blind people, it is that we pretty much cross all socio-economic and lifestyle backgrounds, just like anyone else. No surprise there.
amen to that Leo.
I do see what you are saying though I gather data wherever I go. And by the way, said institutions, I feel, are no good for the blind but that is a whole other topic. Yes I don't think it is right to say that blind people are sheltered. Why? Because "people" can be sheltered. We are people first and blind people second.
there are some parents who will always find a reason to shelter their kids, no matter what the circumstances. Maybe they witnessed a crime as a child, and now fear their kids might see the same thing if they don't shelter them. Maybe they were in control of their bank account as a teenager and got themselves so heavily in debt that they're still paying for it today, and they don't want their kids to make the same mistake. As well intentioned as any of these reasons are, there will come a point where the kids are going to want to go out and do the very things you, as parents, are warning them against, just to see why you're against it. It's just particularly sad to me when you find parents who shelter their kid for nothing more or less than the fact he or she is blind. this, to me, is where it crosses the line from trying to prevent your kids from making the same mistakes you did, and just assuming the worst and putting that on them.
Yes, it's just wrong.
I tend to agree with Margorp about institutions for the blind. As for sheltering I agree. I've heard some shocking stories about people, and not just blind ones, being so absurdly sheltered that they'd never so much as seen a Big Mac. LOL.
Yes it's sad but there's not much we can do about others who are sheltered.
I'd shout and fight and stuff I even had to fight to stay alone for a weekend at home! It was so riddiculous. I am now 8 hours from home and having considerably more fun. haha! I knew how to do chores but never did any so I am slow but learning. haha! or practicing, I know how, just ain't got a lot of practice,.
Someone brought up the point of blind people not having confidence in their abilities. I feel you on that one. It's not always the parents or families who shelter blind people, it can be up to their own determent. I broke away from my family and barely scraped by managing an apartment on my own. I took the initiative to go to an ACB sponsored skills program which didn't help anything but to give me a place even further away to be and to remind me of things I already knew how to do. Not being confident enough to search for apartments in L.A. or get myself back up north, I agreed to a room for rent situation with a family who imposed many rules on me like no guests over when their daughters were allowed to have friends over all the time. They stole my food and despite attempts to stand up for myself, i ended up fleeing the situation and comforting myself at the food court or near a drive-thru. When my mom passed away, I wanted to be close to my dad in his last years, but wasn't sure if I wanted to live directly where he was or closer to the Sacramento city area. I brought this up to him and he bought a mobile home for me to live independently in, and we're having to scrimp and save to get by. I miss the city and am kicking myself in the head for sheltering myself with my lack of confidence. I'm a blink btw.
But, you have to have enough confidence to admit you don't have enough confidence, if that makes any sense.
It's one of those sayings that almost does. I mean, it wants to make sense. lol.
It makes sense to me, LOL!
I guess it does to me. It takes guts to say that you don't have guts. rofl. It is true. For a long time I was in denial but I stopped hiding from my own reflection.